Lose the guilt..

You guys may know that I like to cook, and you may know that I am a biochemist (#truestory), but that’s not all. Like most of you, I battle through my days confronted with impressions and thoughts that work on your mind for a while. And recently, with current world events making you lose hope in humanity, I decided to use this platform and vocalize some of those thoughts. All in the hopes of maybe connecting to like-minded people.

It took me months to muster up the courage to publish this first post along a new line – because I was scared of what people might think. Too personal – maybe! But I see people around me everyday with the same struggles just accepting their fate. So bear with me, sometimes I find it hard to mold my feelings into words – the wordsmith in me needs some practice, but here goes😊

In true blogger fashion I should be writing this text to you, my reader, helping you get some actionable advice or give you some quick tips. However, I decided just to tell you my story for the start. Baby steps, right?

These last few weeks have been very confusing: last year I took a huge step into the unknown by founding this blog and it has been a blast. But these last few weeks, after an overwhelmingly fun and emotional summer, I have felt down, and I haven’t been able to shake it.

Where was this all coming from? Growing up as a millennial, second kid of typical baby-boomers, I was told from many sides that I would always have to work harder than others. 

“Why?” I asked.

And the most common answer was: “Because you are a girl..”

I started this blog as a hobby, but in retrospect I realized that one of the reasons I decided to pursue it in a more serious fashion was to break free of some of the expectations I felt I needed to fulfil! It wasn’t a fully conscious decision at the time, more like a unsilencable force driving my decisions – I didn’t understand it until much later. 

Being in my mid-30s, unmarried and childless (and therefor obviously somehow not normal and a social penguin), I have recently been struggling with redefining my role and responsibility as a human and as a woman.  I have always been a good girl and did what I was told: I worked hard, like a good girl! I finished everything I started, like a good girl. I finished my academic studies like a good girl, and looked for a job like a good girl. 

I was raised with these creeping stereotypes that make you do things although you don’t want to. It’s rude to say no. “Be a good girl” – I was sweet and polite, a people pleaser par excellence – never my own shape, but always that of the world around me, neatly molded into place. I was so focused on pleasing my surroundings, I didn’t realize that the path I had chosen wasn’t for me – work was always supposed to be work, not fun. If you work hard enough you can make a good living. You can buy a house, have a family etc. etc. you can fit into that perfect little mold that was made for you.

And even in the moments where doubts about my decisions and my life scratched the surface of my mind, I didn’t dare to speak up. “You can’t do that!” I told myself. “You must continue doing what you do!” “It’s too late now anyways..” I had made my decision and now I needed to follow through. “Just fold up your sleeves and dig your teeth in until you succeed.” No matter the cost, no matter the price. That’s what our mothers taught us.. 

And this mentality did get me through some rough patches – don’t get me wrong. It isn’t wrong to work hard and dig your teeth in, but if you do it for the wrong goal, that’s where things start getting tricky.. My feeling of accomplishment and self-worth was dependent on what society thought: I was following a path that people could understand and therefor respect. I was a good pupil, a good student, a good academic – I was a good girl.

Until I wasn’t. I couldn’t do what I did anymore and suddenly I saw. It was like a veil lifted: I was so busy doing what I thought people expected of me, that I didn’t see that I lost myself in the process.  I started saying no – started being my own shape and that carefully positioned mold started bursting at every edge! Can you imagine that feeling of relief? When you start deciding for yourself and stop feeling guilty for every move you make? It’s like I took a deep breath for the first time! 

The first time I said no to invitation because I just didn’t want to go and thought it was a waste of my time was exhilarating and empowering – and it gives you so much self-confidence, because you are now in charge of yourself. I refused to give my very limited energy to people, situations and a job that had stopped making sense to me. Best thing I ever did! That’s when things started to become interesting. People didn’t understand why I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to do anymore! I allowed myself to dispose of my time and my energy like I wanted to and to do something I love. Work is fun now and for the first time in my life my sense of accomplishment or self-worth is not dependent on anyone anymore (theoretically😊). 

Saying no is not selfish and neither is putting yourself first. Not being a people pleaser and not doing what everyone wants doesn’t make you rude, although be prepared for some resistance when you start changing your attitude – people don’t like change😊  Call me bossy, selfish or generally a witch. I wake up every morning with this vibrating feeling of excitement in my chest and I wouldn’t  change it for the world. And I wish the same to all of you.

So keep the fight people – because you are far from done!

Share if you have felt the same or if you feel someone may feel inspired to change!If you want more just follow Milly’s Melting Pot on Facebook, Instagram or Pinterest! Or register for the newsletter and get everything sent right to your inbox!